Life in a semi-lockdown scenario ~~seven~~

...a little inward reflection

I will turn to a little inward inflection in this post. As I noted in this series part six, the State of Emergency has been lifted but some restrictions are still in place, mainly taking care when out and about, keeping your distance, washing your hands, wearing your mask. (Although, it should be noted that this week, with the increase in temperature--into the low-mid 30s--there are concerns about being overcome by the heat or breathing difficulties which might arise from wearing masks; while it is widely recognised that people in Japan more readily wear masks, it is not common to do so during summer, as was noted on the TV this week.)

Circling A to B and through

As I mentioned in the last post, our university continues to work online, and term 2 commenced last week. I understand the caution, we don't have a large campus and so trying to conduct classes with sufficient spacing, getting to and from campus would mean, by and large, crowded public transport. But as we move into the third month of teaching at a distance, it has given me pause to think about this particular time as an educator, as a person and the ups and downs of the last two weeks in particular.

Morning light

Despite the lifting of restrictions, I have remained pretty much within the orbit of my neighbourhood; I have not caught a train to anywhere, even down the track to re-enter society. That might partly be a factor of my university remaining in distance mode but I wonder to myself now why has it become difficult to go further, go shopping, go and get a haircut? And the past two weeks from an online point of view have been particularly troubling to observe, as the political world--in Australia, in the United States, in Europe, in China, everywhere really--is erupting under a confluence of events. 

I wonder if it is my disciplinary training--political science, history, language--that makes me feel heavy at heart, that makes me feel the greater futility in the human endeavour. At times I want to opt out and yet, feel compelled to 'stay in' precisely because of my academic inclinations (which yes, do flow over into the personal, because things like equality and justice do matter). I feel simultaneously attacked and engaged. I wonder if this is a factor of being alone with myself and my thoughts for all my waking hours rather than my usual commuting, teaching, meetings, standing in corridors talking; social media has been overwhelming this past week or so; anything on screen is an effort to do, because everything is on screen perhaps. I feel bad about the fact I simply no longer want to look at my email inbox because it fills with questions I cannot answer from this space. I fear. 

A snack one afternoon

As I entered this semi-lockdown, I developed 'habits' let's call them, to keep up with the new circumstances; I kept engaging online, I made sure to eat properly, to stop and exercise through various means, to walk through the park on the way to the shop to buy the paper, to literally smell the flowers (or at least photograph them), to keep writing while I had the much-wanted, much-valued 'time'...it is just these past couple of weeks where that seems to have slowed. Perhaps, psychologically, I prepared for two months and perhaps a re-adjustment is needed for the next two. But politics, as I teach it, is an engaged, face-to-face conversational discipline; trying to respond, in written form, in a conversational, engaging way with students (remembering I am doing this in my second language), is tiring, it loses its immediacy. Perhaps, I am just... tired?

I am also thinking about the time I am 'losing' in terms of field work too, something that might not have been a problem but for the fact that my five year visa will be up for renewal soon...or will it. I have the gnawing sense of wanting to stay 'just a little bit longer' competing with the familial responsibilities that await at home, even though one can't return home at the moment, because of COVID restrictions. I have to think about leaving as I think about staying. I want to stay; I want to go.

In Japanese, there is the expression 鬱, utsu or　憂鬱 yu-utsu (unforgettable because it contains so many strokes, one of those instantly recognisable but difficult to write kanji), it refers to feeling low, perhaps depression; I don't think I'm there and yet this week has been, it seems to me, in a very complex way, bordering on that. Perhaps. I haven't felt this way during this sojourn in Japan until these last couple of weeks.

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Apologies for the indulgence and introspection of this post when so much is going on in the world today. But if this blog is a sample of a modern-day journal, then I felt it important to record this moment as part of this particular time. 
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I will strive to do better. I think it is the email inbox. I must get back to it.